A little bit longer

We had a million questions about our lives.

inthisheart — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:29:16 +0000

I remember the days we spent together, everything ever so vividly.

I think i can cope without you, recently, things had turn out better for me. I hope things are good for you, i know you’re better off without me. After all these we’ve been through i realized what a fool i’ve been.

A couple of months back i felt i had lost the world because i lost you.

But now you’re getting on fine and i am too.

I really, truly, so badly want to be your friend, just like the past. But we don’t even talk or look at each other anymore. Why? I want us to talk and joke like the past, how i teased you about Bernice, how you teased me about whoever and whatsoever.

I miss those days with you, i miss you.

Sometimes i miss you so much it really hurts me.

But… Things change, people change.

Every night i miss you.

Hooray to our independence, i wish you all the best. Though you’re already leading an almost perfect life, single.

With Love,

Clio.

Where do I belong?

inthisheart — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:42:47 +0000

Been awhile since i’ve been here, and it’s prolly a good thing. Cos if i’m here it means i’m upset about something or what. Yeah this place sorta lets me vent my frustrations..

So yeah, i’m here again.

This time not because of alvin.

I swear i’m starting over, now.

It’s my brother.

He’s a bitch. He’s ruining MY life.

He’s so goddamn rude, pervertic and full of shit.

He gives us so much trouble. He wastes money like shit, he talks back to my parents like what. He doesn’t respect anyone. He’s a bullshit. He gets scared at night when it’s dark and everything. But when it’s daytime his shit starts coming out like nobody’s business. He hits and yells at anyone he doesn’t like. My parents too. what kind of a fucking idiot is he.

…

I can’t carry on.

Many reasons why.

And i’m starting my life over, i got into double science class. Some people just feel very upset about it. But i understand..i totally do. Like the other day when j and xy got into 3e1. That kind of feeling, i totally own it. I used to be a very smart person, 6 faith and all that. Until i came into pei hwa, i began to lose myself.

I know there’s nth my parents can be proud of about me, cos in their eyes i don’t do well in anything at all. Even as i got into 3e3, they don’t even offer words of encouragement like other parents do. I know alll parents are the same, but not every aspect. they think i’m lazy, i don’t work hard enough, i’m wasting my life.

Why. They cant see me…

All that i’m going through. The anger i feel when i get “bullied” by the fucker, the nights i cried alone, or when i tried to scream into my pillow.

And when i look at myself in the mirror, i realize i’ve really changed.

At night my brother, my sister and my mom sleep tgt. I wanna slp with my mom, but the two idiots just wont let me. They always gang up to obstrusize me, if that’s even the correct spelling.

Yeah my sister is nice.

Sometimes she just as bad as that fucker.

I appreciate and am thankful of all that my parents have done for me.

But some of these “minor” things that involves me, why can’t they just see it…

How do i learn to give this all up…

Yours,

Clio……

Maybe i’m trying too hard.

inthisheart — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 16:57:40 +0000

Once again i let the emotions take control of me.

I find it hard to supress the sadness, again.

I wonder when will i ever stop havin this bad feeling…

So much to say, yet i’m speechless.

Love,

Clio.

PS. Joe Jonas is damn hot..

All i ever wanted was you.

inthisheart — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:08:20 +0000

Each time i’m happy, i definitely will be sad.

And it’s all because of you.

But i believe i will get over you, all i need is time.

Time heals all wounds…

I cried and thought it over, maybe it was me. Nevermind.

It’s no point.

As for the friends, cao yu’s pretty fine now. Next is just the two 3e1 people. Both are happy but cannot show.

Again, it’s because they’re afraid i’ll be unhappy. But behind me, they’re celebrating. Oh so fantastic.

Clio will be strong, Clio will be happy.

Yours,

Clio

I walk these empty streets on the boulevard of broken dreams

inthisheart — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 11:27:44 +0000

I did it again.

You can seriously call me dumb/crazy and whatever you want…

BUT I DID IT AGAIN.

WHAT?!

I text ALVIN.

OH DEAR…

I paced up and down the room, thinkin of him. I picked up the phone but let it drop to the desk again. I went out. I came back in again, picked up the phone and typed a message. Then i deleted it and went out again. I came back in, looked at the phone and typed the message, keyed his number and SEND.

_|_

My heart was pounding like mad. Like i was gonna sit for an exam that kind of thing..i swear it was damn loud cos i could hear it go boop boop boop boop…

Sigh.

And true enough, thre wasn’t any replies.

What i typed: I miss you..i really do.

OH FUCK MAN.

This is already the..3rd time. FUCKKKKK.

I feel so pride-less… I’m a girl for god’s sake. Why am i doin so much…for something that i gave up. For something that i wanted to end…

Now i’m the one hurting.

He couldn’t care less about me…. I’m now just a nobody.

He might’ve a new target. Some say amelyn…hais.

WS told me alvin’s past gf wanted to break and patch, break and patch so alvin couldn’t take it anymore. And so that’s why he fear i might do so.

But he just didn’t give me a chance to prove that i really, truly am serious about this relationship and that i dn’t give a damn about anything more…

I just want him back.

Just give me a chance…to prove that i’ll love him even more. Is that just too hard? Or is it that he’s really moved on?

It aches each time i think of the past.

When we go for movies, how he held my hands and warmed it when i was so cold. When we embraced, the warmth that i feel. When we kissed, the love that i feel… No, felt.

Last time where we used to hang around void decks and secretly coming to my house just so we can be alone…

Late nights to movies @ vivo…

I’ve watched many movies with him. I still have the tix in my wallet.

And the CIP @ esplanade. We had gelare ice cream and the guy charged us the wrong amount. How we threw away the flyers and all that…

We could go on the high flyer…

But it’s all gone away…

When will this ever cease…cos i’m not living each day fully like i should be.

Alvin…i’m sorry. I don’t know what to do without you…really

With love,

Clio…

All the pain and hurt they’ll never see.

inthisheart — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 06:45:44 +0000

Last day of school. I’ll be posted to 3E4 next year. Hallelujah.

Double science, forget it. What for appeal for it. I’m just not good enough.

Jessica and Xy tried to comfort me, yeah whatever. Do they have any idea how bad and disappointed it feels not getting something you want and worked hard for? Of course not.

They both opted for triple science and got into 3E1 together, not forgeting yurong, joey.. Wow. Wow. Fantastic.

They told me not be sad. What happens if they get into a combined sci class or double science class? They’ll be the first to be emo… Fuck.. They’re prolly celebrating and screaming their lungs out, planning for the new year. Go ahead. Who needs ‘em…

Yes, i’m jealous. Actually i’m not only jealous, i’m angry, i’m frustrated, i’m disgusted, i’m sad… I’m everything bad. I’m stupid, i’m lousy.

What’s all the motivation from ADAM KHOO’S book about. Believing in yourself? Fine, it must take time. I need time to let myself cool and sort out my emotions and thinking.

2009, sec 3 already. No time to play and whatever… Combined science so what, i’ll just have to do my best. ):

I simply detest them both* a lot now… Don’t wanna go indonesia with them no more. I’ll just get my hair rebond here.

That’s what i think for now.

I don’t deserve any friendship of theirs. Cos i’m just so stupid.

I tried to hold back the tears and my throat felt sore and my breathing was difficult. Finally when WS approached me, i had to cry…

I’m not done crying.

Why am i such a loser..

Yours,

Clio

Love will tear us apart.

inthisheart — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 10:19:25 +0000

Life is filled with tough choices and that’s why at times i wished you were here with me. Sometimes it’s so much easier to take the steps in love, to risk getting burnt, because somehow your choices seem to be much more easier to make, like they were made for you already, like there are wings on your feet, like there was just no other way.i dream that this carosel will stop,and somehow i turn back the clocks,to let him fill my heart again,to let him kiss away this pain.Poison is strong, an addiction is tough to break.

I saw Alvin playing bball in school with his friends.. I still feel weak and uneasy all the time. Whenever he’s around, i can’t seem to stop looking at him. And it hurts knowing that we ain’t together anymore and all of the broken dreams were gone…

Love has tore us apart… Was it the right choice?

People are so in love, and now i’m stuck alone here…am not moving, am not moving on – nowhere…

Yours,

Clio

It just keeps hurting and hurting.

inthisheart — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:04:26 +0000

I’m back from Genting. It’s not fun at all. Did some shopping with mum and managed to get some clothes. Did not get my shoes at all. Humph.. But shall not complain la.

Alvin was on my mind all the time.. I can’t seem to stop thinking of him, i imagined we both went to Genting together and all that. And it just won’t stop hurting. It’s like i’m having fun and he keeps popping out of my head, reminding me of the pain.

Ok bullshit. School tomorrow. I don’t wanna go… There’s still CCA after school and in FULL-Uniform. But school’s closin on Thurs. 2E4!! ): I don’t know my class ranking, but Jessica got 11 and she’s still disappointed. Suck… I bet i’m about 20-30 place.

Ok COOKIE JAR by GYM CLASS HEROES is good. Sigh.

Goodnight yo.

Love,

Clio

I will learn to try and give it up.

inthisheart — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:36:21 +0000

They say a friend
Is a friend forever
Even in
The roughest weather
Though life’s seas
Are tossed about
A friend will be there
To help you out

But there are times-
It’s sad but true-
When friendship’s flame
Dwindles in you
The excitement is gone
It’s not new anymore
And painfully so
Our old friend is a bore

So we put away friendship
With a lock and a key
I just want to say…
Don’t let that be me
It may not be new
But don’t let it die
I won’t if you won’t
I won’t say goodbye.

Oh dear..time really flies. I could still remember 2007 when i first stepped into PHSS, i was so lost and so afraid. 1E4, met those wonderful classmates. I remember Wei Sin, Zechery, Xinping and even Alvin, those first impressions i had on them. And now we’re like so good friends… I mean, i even got to be Alvin’s girlfriend in June last year…

Sigh. And then LAOPOS, we were a big group. Then gradually there were just the 4 of us. Now, 3.

This year, Mr Boo is our form teacher. I remember i didn’t liked him at the start of the year, i thought he was too strict. But he is indeed a wonderful teacher! So compassionate, understanding, patient and all that. We are really lucky to have him.

This 2 years have gone by in a blink. I really could remember everything ever so vividly. And in matter of a few more days to go, all this will end. End as in no more 2E4.. No more Mr Boo and those really fun and relaxing CL lessons.

It’s not like we’re not gonna contact each other or what, but i’ll really miss us all. United we stand. We’ve been through a lot. I will miss sitting beside Fairul in class and teasing Habibul. i will miss quarreling with Zech and Jia Hao. I will miss Alvin too.

But we will still be in the same school. And i hope we all get into the classes we desire. All the best to us all alright. JIA YOU and I LOVE YOU ALL!

Genting in 2 days.

Much love,

Clio

The emotions are taking control of you.

inthisheart — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 10:31:15 +0000

Have not been having a very good mood since last night, since Jess sorta ripped my Livejournal stuffs, again.

Finally, i’ve gotten most of my angst and whatever i’ve been bottling up for quite some time off my chest. I spoke to XY just now when Jess left.. I told myself to be compassionate and not be so sensitive towards whatever Jessica does…but yeah.

Okay and all these while, before we quarrelled with CY and after, i still find Jessica trying to fight with me for every single thing. I told XY about those things that i feel Jess was trying to fight with me for, and XY somehow agreed. I don’t really trust XY, sad to say. I’m afraid she might let Jess know most of the things i told her, but i have to trust XY for i’ve already told her and there’s nothing i can do.

Wanted to show Jessica my temper many at times today… Got back all of our EOY papers, mine really sucked. And i’ve only myself to blame. I did study, yes, but it’s just not enough. Stupid Jessica just keeps getting higher marks than me.. Asshole. I don’t know who i’m calling an asshole, but it’s just damn bloody stupid. She’s just trying to beat me in every aspect. And now she knows my studies ain’t a threat to her, she now targets Joey, Yu Rong, XY.. No, XY has always been her math and sci target. Heard from XY that Jess wanted to opt for triple sci. FUCK man. She told me she wouldn’t opt for it. Now what?

Okay maybe her intentions are not what i think they are… Maybe i’m the nasty one. Yes, i’m the nasty one. So sorry… I know i’m accumulating lots of bad karma for backstabbing people… Cao Yu, Jessica..Xy, all these. Yeah yeah. Bad karma.. I’m not a pure person… All of it will come back to me one day. Sigh.

I must chant.

Math trail was not too bad. However, something really bad happened at home for Wei Sin. My deepest condelences. Don’t worry WS, best friend, we will always stand right beside you okay? And Alvin Lim and Justin Yap really are bastards man.. Seeing their friends so upset, they still can talk and laugh and play… Not even feeling sorry for him at all, what kind of “friends” are they? FUCK them all la. No wonder they both don’t make good boyfriends. I wonder what i saw in them… And why am i still feeling so bothered over that A guy… SIGH. Fucker.

That’s quite enough for a day.. Been going through mood swings the whole of this week. And i’ve had enough of everything…

Double Science or Combined? I have to fill in the form by tonight, tmr’s the deadline for submition. I’m dead i’m dead i’m dead…

Yours,

Clio…